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Cycles of behaviour

Updated: Mar 25, 2023

Different person - same old cr+p!

Why is it that when we leave a relationship with a clear understanding of the reasons and problems we are leaving behind, that we can find ourselves years later in new relationships where the same problems seem to cycle back around? Is it perhaps that we are drawn to certain types of people or characteristics out of familiarity? or is it because without truly understanding and fully healing ourselves from a break-up, we head out ill prepared to implement the changes that are necessary for the balance and harmony that we seek in the new relationship? I think it's a little of the former and an hefty dollop of the latter that are responsible for the unhealthy cycles that we can find ourselves in.

Break- up's have the tendency to un-earth a lot of raw emotions, vulnerability and self reflection which can be uncomfortable to process. We can overthink situations that we feel are out of our control and this can lead to confusion and doubt which creates its own negative cycle. Stepping back, looking inward and taking time to really understand yourself and the motives behind your actions can be the key to finding the clarity that will help you to move out of old cycles and into the new healthier ones.

Firstly, recognising that the relationship has ended for reasons X,Y or Z can be a good starting point as you turn your focus inwards and uncover your personal truths without the judgement or opinions of others. As much as we can benefit from the support of friends and family, the only person that can truly be in your corner, is you.

When reflecting on relationships, there will always be things that you focus on about the other person that didn't please you and by consciously recognising these specific things, you will understand your boundaries better which takes you a step closer to realising what you want and will allow in your future connections. Examples of such question are;

  • Why didn't you like X,Y or Z?

  • How did it make you feel?

  • Did you communicate your feelings about it?

  • Is it something that you would be prepared to face again with a new partner?

  • If you did face it again with a new partner, how would you respond differently?

Once you've pondered through the questions about the things that didn't please you in the other person, it's time to reflect on your role and the part you played too. This can be the harder deep dive, but it's vital for you to realise, understand and repair.

  • What positive things do you feel that you brought to the relationship?

  • Which negative things do you feel that you brought to the relationship?

  • How do you those negative things made your ex feel?

  • Do you recognise these negative things as something detrimental to a new relationships if not dealt with?

  • If yes, how can you try to overcome them?

When we are in highly emotional states of anger, resentment and upset we go into survival mode which is focused on our outer world experiences and practical situations. This is a normal reaction of course, but sometimes we need to step back from the 'in the moment' situation and reflect within ourselves to gain a better understanding of things by asking questions to help us gain different perspectives and find balance with our own personal feelings and opinions.

We tend to think that we all have similar boundaries and value the same character traits in people but actually we couldn't be more different and this is what makes us individuals after all! One person's over-giving and people pleasing quality could be seen as genuine kindness by some but as weak and vulnerable by others. This is why it's so important to understand your own qualities and values and also make sure that any new potential connections see these things in a positive light rather than allowing yourself to be taken advantage of by those that don't value or respect these qualities.

Before entering into a new relationship it's wise to ask yourself if you feel that you are genuinely ready to give to someone emotionally, mentally and physically. It's easy to jump into new connections to play to our ego or to help bury our feelings, it's what many tend to do when feeling hurt or rejected but often, once the temporary ego hit has subsided, those same old uncomfortable feelings return. We can't escape ourselves, we have to recognise our feelings, understand them and work through them in order to heal and move on successfully. It's worth your time and reflection to understand yourself on a much deeper level, your boundaries, expectations and your desires should be clear and unwavering before starting a new relationship. This will ensure that you are fully prepared and ready to attract the 'right' person into your life and likewise you will be offering them the very best version of yourself too.

© 2023 Have a Word With Yourself. All Rights Reserved.

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